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Dusting For Finger Prints
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[02 Mar 2009|06:39pm] |
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We had to put Penny down today. I honestly can't belive that she is gone. We had known for a few weeks that she had a bleeding cancerous tumor and that it was only a matter of time. It's hard knowing but also good to make sure you put in the time so you don't regret it later. I was able to sit with her alone last night and have my peace with her. I didn't know she would go today. It's so weird not hearing her claws click-clacking on the floor to come and greet us. Or having her make her whinning noise from excitement when we walk in the door. She was such a sweet girl and a good soul and I miss her. Rest in peace, baby girl...I miss you, will never forget you, and will love you always. I hope you found Maggie!
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[18 Jan 2008|07:12pm] |
I had an awesome day. I personally didn't know how it would go. I sent Keith's mom a pretty detailed e-mail after having lunch with her a week ago. It basically outlined all the problems I had had with him and he with me. Just so she knew we had more to overcome than the drinking. She was happy I was so honest and wanted to talk in person. So we went to the horse expo at the fairgrounds together today.
She wound up further injuring herself this morning and needed me to pick her up and drive. I enjoyed that! We chated some at the house. He had his fiance had some blow up at his parents' house the other night. She gave back the ring, he was all in a huff. His mom said she was right though. That he wants too much control. She thinks he is bipolar and understands how hard it must have been to live with him. She doesn't blame me. Does think I was too much of a pushover and should have stood up for myself more. But that the way he treated me is the way he treats everyone so I should not take it personally. She thinks he needs professional help for a lot of things and some medication to even him out. She thinks this girl is going to leave him. The only problem is her parents don't really want her back and if she goes back with her mom she can't go back with Keith. I almost feel bad for her.
Anyway, then we had a nice drive with lots of time to chat. Stopped at Dover and Dunkin Donuts. Hit the expo. We watched Kenny Harlow's demo for two hours. She was fake flashing him to get prizes and got one haha. She's hillarious! We talked to him after the demo and he knew exactly who she was. Walked around a bit. Found stallion row and her horses' sire. Talked to his owners for forever. They thought I was he daughter in law since had met when Keith and I dated. That stung! Then we the Schenider's blanket stand and she did more fake flashing haha! We ate lots of food. Talked a lot. She wants me to watch the house in February when they go skiing. They ar enot inviting Keith and his fiance. She said they enbarass her. His fiance is also going to Aruba for a week without him. She also kind of booked me for when Keith's brother gets married...but said she is hoping I will somehow be back in his life and able to come with. I would not count on that. Anyway, after we left and came back to get her free prize she stopped at one of my jobs in Hereford and helped me do the horses and dogs. It was really nice actually.
I'm just so relieved to know that she doesn't blame me. And that she thinks I am better off not in that relationship. I really thought she would have said there was more I should have done or been better at. But she really thinks I tried my best and that he missed out. And she was even picking guys out at the expo for me to go after haha. I really appreciate how she has handled all of this.
Part of me aches not knowing what he's going to do in the end. I wish eh would get his act together. I want to know if I can find someone better too. If I could find someone I feel as good about as I did him, I would never look back. But I just don't know. Then it hit me...why am I taking this free, uncommitted time of mine and making it miserable by dwelling over him and what I can't change? I should be enjoying my freedom and opportunities that I so wanted and just leave the future up to time. What happens happens and I should just be enjoying this time because things will eventually work out. I just know I do not want to be alone for the rest of my life and I hope that doesn't happen.
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[14 Jan 2008|04:19pm] |
This song was part of my courting soundtrack when I was trying to get my nerve up 3 years ago to ask Keith out. I pieces applied then...but now it seems much more appropriate.
MAE
Embers And Envelopes
We write to apologize.
We ask to look past life as it goes by.
I know you have sacrificed time,
life, love, time to fly.
Please consider all things trite,
forgiveness will be the thing that gets us by.
I know to have something like this
broken is hard to fix.
Embers, we're burning bridges down.
Envelopes stuffed with feelings found.
To write this down as means to reconcile.
We write to patch things up,
maybe not to agree but to proclaim love.
Let's look ahead and then we'll see the One
whose glory never ends.
And based on that we'll see,
there'll be room for change, but gradually.
I know to have something like this
broken is hard to fix.
If all is said and done and over,
if we don't have to, we're not going to.
Make the change, it's worth the try.
What's broken can be fixed tonight.
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[14 Jan 2008|04:15pm] |
THE SPILL CANVAS LYRICS
All Over You
Yeah she's a looker,
but I really think it's guts that matter most.
I displayed them for you,
strewn out about from coast to coast.
I am easily make believe,
just dress me up in what you want me to be.
I'll take back what I've been saying for quite some time now.
I gotta feel you in my bones again,
I'm all over you.
I'm not over you.
I wanna taste you one more time again,
I'm all over you.
I'm not over you.
In my daydreams, in my sleep,
infatuation turning into disease.
You could cure me, see all you have to do now
is please try.
Give it your best shot and try.
All I'm asking for is love,
but you never seem to have enough.
I gotta feel you in my bones again,
I'm all over you.
I'm not over you.
I wanna taste you one more time again,
I'm all over you.
I'm not over you.
This life is way too short
to get caught up in all this stuff
when I just want you to love me back,
why can't you just love me back?
Why can't you just love me back?
(why can't you, why can't you)
Why can't you just love me back?
(why can't you, why can't you)
Why can't you just love me back?
(why can't you, why can't you just love)
I gotta feel you in my bones again,
I'm all over you.
I'm not over you.
I wanna taste you one more time again,
I'm all over you.
I'm not over you.
This life is way too short
to get caught up and all mixed up
when I just want you to love me back,
why can't you just love me back?
Why won't you just love me back?
Why can't you just love me back?
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| You say you'll call but I know you won't... |
[06 Jan 2008|03:41pm] |
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What the fuck? It's the end of the week and he said he would call this week to set up lunch. I knew he wouldn't call. But just a few minutes ago, he calls. Ok I'm surprised. But all he says is that he heard that I watched one of his clients' pets. And he wanted to know if their house was dirty. Then he said he had to go and would call later. I talk to him and I hear that attitude in his voice and I remember why I'm glad he's not my problem anymore. Then he calls drunk one night...in his sweet stage...and I miss him again. I hate this. It hasn't helped that one of the farms that I watch that he and I used to go to together just had me start taking care of their animals this past week. And it's for a long time. It just brings back memories. Anyway, I suspect he won't call again for awhile. Until he needs something or wants to rub something in my face.
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| you're keeping me down |
[02 Jan 2008|08:33pm] |
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I had the day off today. I needed to be kept busy. I thought I would drive around and stop at a fire trail in Prettyboy and take a walk. It was pretty cold so I just drove around. I was still upset over Keith. And why the hell did I choose Prettyboy since that was where we spent so much time? Part of me, I think, wanted to remember. So of course who calls me during my drive other than Keith?! Basically he's just returning my call from a few days ago. Says he is sorry he involved me, but doesn't really remember the night at all. Got really drunk, but is going to stop drinking now. Yeah, I've heard that before...a lot! Of course, as expected he and his fiance are fine now. He was pissed that her father was critiquing his "business" and that she took her dad's side. Of course he plans to have a fulltime business by next year and be making lots of money...this has been the plan for "next year" for over 3 years now. Anyway, he goes on about how he thinks they are just going to work through everything. After all it's not like he can take the ring back and breaking up now would be a waste of time and money. Oh that's convincing...I'd marry that. Jesus Christ! Everytime he "defends" this relationship, engagement, whatever he always sounds like he's convincing himself. It always seems forced and fake. I'm glad I'm not her because he's doing everything for the wrong reasons. He probably talked for 20 minutes. Finally said that he would want to get lunch or something this week and that he'd call later. I said maybe that was a bad idea now that the fiance was still in the picture and that she hates me. He says oh no it's fine...he just won't tell her. Ok wait up...I say no way am I going to let him lie to her or sneak around. I hated him doing that to me and I am not going to encourage it and let it happen to this girl. Yeah, she's not my favorite person in the world, but I don't want to contribute to her feeling the way I felt when he went out behind my back to see his ex-girlfriend. He said it wouldn't be lying...just not offering up the information. At least this conversation convinced me that he hasn't changed. That he won't change. Not for another girl. Not for me. Not for himself. You can't teach an old dog new tricks. I felt better after having talked to him. I think all of my effort and feelings will be going to Travis. And we'll see what happens.
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| something always brings me back to you |
[01 Jan 2008|04:11pm] |
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May I just say that I am confused. I hadn't heard from him in awhile...since we finished up all of the stuff with the Bronco. He wasn't particularly nice. He's engaged so I just figured that was it. I never called and neither did he. It was for the best. I met someone recently who is really great. I thought maybe I was finally moving on. He has restored my faith in males. He's very nice and respectful. I talk to him almost every night and we have hung out some and seem to be doing it more and more often. He is the only guy I have met since the breakup that really has longterm potential. He's got things going for him - a good work ethic, a hobby, no addictions, a close family, etc. It's just strange because I just can't break through with him. I really depend on a guy being somewhat outgoing because I am not confident enough to make the first move. Obviously neither is he. I go back and forth about how I feel about him. So Saturday night I had gone over to his place again and I left feeling very good about him. I woke up thinking about him and I was in that crush phase again and it was exciting. This guy had completely masked Keith and honestly just about replaced him in my head. Then I get a call Sunday morning. It's Keith. I'm shocked because he's sober and calling me. Even a drunk call would have surprised me but a sober one damn about blew me away. He sounded just not right. Said he was just calling to wish me a merry Christmas and happy new year. Asked me if I was seeing anyone and just some quick talk. I was friendly, but the call was short. He said he would call back later. That usually means he has gotten all the information he wants and is finished with the conversation and has no intentions of calling me later. So I go on with my day and then that night sure enough the phone rings and it's him. This time he's drunk and he's upset. I figure it's another run-on sentence in his life punctuated with sober moments. He says his mother gave him some piece of writing and it made him think of me. It's something about true love and he swears he knows he blew it with me. The conversation goes on for awhile. He wants to know if he could do anything to be with me again. I'm straight forward with everything that ever bothered me...put me off. He says that his fiance is at the football game with someother guy. That they aren't doing anything the next day for new years eve. that they don't really do anything together anymore. It's been 5 months. He knows she's not the right one and he knows they are not making it to the wedding. Finally he says he just has to go. Now I'm somewhat satisfied in a way. It's like he got it all right back...the cheating, the sadness. In another way I know that this is not what he needs. That he feels that everyone is against him and doesn't love him. So I write his mother to say that I am worried about him and maybe she should check on him. P.S. later that night she writes back that he and his fiance are over and that she's just coming back to get her things. His brother is going to pick him up. I'm worried about him, sad for him. Wish he would let me in. Both of his parents asked me if there is any glimmer of hope that we could maybe make it as a couple someday. My head says no but my hearts says yes. If I had found someone that had sparked something in me the way Keith had immediately, I would say that it wasn't unique to him. But there is something about him, a comfort level, that I have yet to find in anyone. Yes, it hasn't been that long but no one has come anywhere close. He is the one complete stranger that I feel like I can say anything to. The one complete stranger that I feel comfortable to be myself around. And get past all the addiction and problems that stem from it, and you have a good person. A lot of me wishes he would come out of this and realize that he needs to get his act together. And that he will get his act together, take time off of romantic relationships and build some solid friendships. I would love to be his close friend. I know he has none. I want so badly to just go take a walk or a drive with him this week and talk. I just want to say everything I never got to say. Ask the questions I never got to ask. And maybe get answers that are not designed to hurt me. I know it's terrible. I had myself so convinced in my mind that I would just distance myself from him for good. I left him a message yesterday and haven't heard from him. I fully expect that it will all blow over and they will get back together and I won't hear from him again until the next problem arrises. But I hope not. His mom wants to work with me to get him to change. Something makes me feel so good that his parents like me so much. But I am also trying not to allow myself to now let all the new relationships I've made dwindle. I spent new years eve with Travis. He's so nice. And yet something just isn't there. One minute I want something with him and the next I only see a friend. I just don't know. I just want to sort all of this out. Know what I'm doing. And I hate how my family is so against me talking to Keith. I wish they could understand my wanting to be friends with him. I just wish I could be alone right now...completely...to sort things out. I always have someone hovering, asking questions or whatever and I just want to be left alone. I find that I have no one that I really feel comfortable telling things to and bouncing ideas off of. I talk to myself all the time lately. I have all this thinking going on in my head and it's just not real without verbalizing it. We're coming up to the time when he and I started dating. And in a lot of ways he's back at the same place he was this time 3 years ago. Part of me just wants to take a walk in the woods and start all over again a little older and a lot wiser.
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[06 Nov 2007|06:36pm] |
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Today was the last time I'll see him. I think it's a good thing. He was such an asshole.
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[06 Oct 2007|04:07pm] |
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So it's been 3 months to the day since we called it quits. On the 11th it will have been 3 months since I last saw his face. He was told to leave the apartment that we had shared. He's officially gone. It's probably the best thing that could have happened...knowing that I won't see him in town anymore. It can be my town again...not ours. He left the place a wreck. I went back today to look around at what he had left. The stuff he left was mostly mine. He's thrown me away and at this point it's his loss. I thought it would be hard to go back, but it was more strange. To go into the rooms that we called home for a few years and see them empty and so small. We were in love in those rooms...we were starting a life in those rooms...or at least I was. It was stripped and filthy. I don't know what has happened to him. I just don't think he cares anymore. Ahhh...
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[12 Sep 2007|12:11am] |
Just when I thought this couldn't get more fucked up...it has. So he calls me tonight around midnight. I pick up because I know he must be drunk to be calling at this time of night. And that means this could be interesting. So he asks how I am doing...I mean really doing. Like am I happy. He wants to know if I miss him. Because he misses me. I say I miss the comfort that we had together. He says it's not comfort he misses but it's me. He wants to critique my new relationship and tell me how it will never work. He wants to know if I'm sleeping with him. None of his fucking business. He lets me know that he and his girl found a new apartment. And then, oh, he has to tell me something but doesn't want me to be mad. I say I know...he's engaged, right? He wonders how I knew. I say because I know him so well, that's how. I knew htis was coming before he even knew. He had been proposing to me ever since a week into our relationship. That's how he was and still is. He just wants someone to be with. I tell him congrats. Then he tells me how he's always going to wish it was me he was married to. How fucked up! He says I will always be the only girl who has it all together. He wished we would have worked out, but we couldn't. He still loves me. He says all this and when I ask if he's happy in general and about all this he goes silent. Then he says in a depressed tone that he is. That this is just what he wanted. But then again he wishes it had been me. I tell him that's a stupid thing to say and feel when you've just gotten engaged. That he can't be saying that to me right now. That if he really wants to get married he can't say things like that about someone he's not with anymore. He says the only difference is he gave this girl a ring. He asks if I would have ever said yes to him. I say , no, not as things stood, but that I stuck around in hopes that things would change. That he should never doubt that I loved him, but I always doubted if he loved me. He wants to know what was so wrong to make me not want to say yes. I say he knows what was so wrong. He acts like he doesn't know. I say the drinking. He swears there is nothing wrong with his drinking and we start to go 'round. I say we have to stop, that we don't need to fight about this anymore because we're not together anymore. He says he didn't call to make me feel bad or to get back together, but that he can't say what will happen in the future. He hopes I'll stay a part of his life. He always wants to have me around. I know why he was calling. He wanted me to talk him down from his uncertainty. In a way he wanted to hear that I loved him. In another way he wanted me to say there was no chance of us ever again. I know he knows this isn't going to work. I told him that I knew he was desperate (in other words, though). I said I knew that he felt that his time was ticking. He just felt that he had to be married and he'd take what he could get. He keeps coming back to how he wishes it was me. And I can't stop thinking that this marriage has already failed, as of this moment, and it hasn't even begun. He's set a date - 123108. I don't think it will ever come. I know him so well and I let him know that with every word I say. I know it kills him because he doesn't have with her what he had with me...and he admits it in not so many words. I can tell by the way he's pleading me with his voice to just say that we could work again. To say that I need him, can't live without him. All the while I'm feeling sad to a degree inside. But also feeling free because it's not me stuck in this misguided situation. It's not me settling for second best. It's not me who's always going to come home to a person I wish was someone else. It's not me knowing that I threw away what I wish I had now. And he was drunk, so I know this is all his actual feelings. Because he was always so much more real when he was drunk...he was an asshole when he was drunk.
I know this marriage thing is a way of coping with our breakup. This is his rebound. This is his frustration that we never fully worked out and it was all in his hands. He'll make a new relationship official so that he has no other options. So that he can't ever try to get back with me because he's legally committed. This is a rather final coping mechanism that is only going to destroy him at some point. He doesn't know how to be alone. He told me that I was so hot in my pictures he saw. And because of that I could never have a good relationship. How about you call me beautiful for once? I don't want to be hot...hot gets you into bed too fast an your heart broken. Hot gets you no respect. I don't want to be hot. And he says that he misses our cat. That his new girl keeps saying he'll never find another one like her, so just get over it. I think he talks about Pepsi and I all too much. I wouldn't marry someone who talked about their ex. I didn't marry someone who talked about their ex. I knew better, but I still loved him.
I don't know what to feel about this. I held back my thoughts, but I sure as hell have a lot of them. I told him exactly how his life was going to go, the day after we broke up. So far, I'm batting 100.
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[06 Sep 2007|09:57pm] |
I love how certain people don't care about me anymore yet find time to look me up online constantly (and the people I mention spending time with). I also love how they only call me when they need something or want to know why I'm doing what I'm doing now. You chose to not have a place in my life...don't judge me now because you regret your decision. You've been demoted for a reason and you had complete control of that. I'd be more than happy to be friends, but "friends" does not equal only talking to me when you are in need and there's no one else to turn to.
I'll post the pictures, you fill in the blanks. Just remember I've already filled in the blank you left when you wanted something new.
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[15 Aug 2007|02:26pm] |
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I hate guys! I want to not feel like I need their approval. I finally got to the point where I felt fine about not being with Keith anymore. That was helped in large part by another boy. He had been messaging me since he found out I was single. I didn't want to go out with him right away and he was fine with that and waited. He kept talking to me and we went out and then he wanted to see me again. I was so excited because we were talking everyday. I just felt happy that someone else could like me. I kind of needed to know that could happen. Then after our second time hanging out he asks me to do him a favor. It was kind of a big favor and now I think that is the only reason he talked to me at all. We don't talk except when he wants to know if I've done the favor or not. I invited him to do something with me, my treat this time, and he basically never responds to the offer. I must say I'm kind of hurt. I mean I knew it wasn't anything serious but, Jesus, don't fucking use me. I don't know what he's thinking...I just feel mad now. I needed the distraction he provided. I thought maybe he was waiting on me to mention doing something again since he has been the one initiating things. But he seems uninterested. Bah...boys suck!!
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[07 Aug 2007|10:37pm] |
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I think I'm officially over him. I try to remember his face and it's a blur. I try to conjure up my feelings for him and I've got nothing. I just needed another boy to tell me I wasn't wrong...I wasn't weird...I'm ok. I appreciate the distraction. But it's sad that you'll be gone soon.
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| We're moving forward but holding ourselves back... |
[02 Aug 2007|10:35am] |
...and we're waiting on something that'll never come
So I went out with a guy last night. He was very nice. I didn't think of Keith once while I was out with him and it felt nice. I don't think I've ever really just been on a date...so new to me.
I was feeling so good about the day and then at night I just got sad. I actually was not very nervous about going out and that is so rare for me. But sitting here in my room at night like I used to do before Keith and I dated, just flooded me with memories. I feel like I have regressed. I must say it's nice to be able to go out and do things whenever I want and come in at whatever time I want and not have someone accuse me of being a whore. I don't have to worry about coming home to someone drunk either.
This morning I feel slightly sick. I miss the comfort of that relationship. I don't even think I loved him, just the security of feeling like I had someone I didn't have to impress anymore and who loved me enough to see me even in my bad times and not care. I liked having someone who wrote how much he loved me in the dust on his car. I just hate having to go through the process of getting to that point again where you know someone so well and feel so comfortable around them. I don't know why I miss what I had because the majority of it was terrible. I just want to meet someone who I just click with immediately. Someone to lay next to and have hold me and just tell me that I make them happy. Someone who gets excited when I call and waits for me to call.
I was his whole world and I loved that - even though it was completely unnatural. I just feel like he is convinced he has found someone new who is completely perfect for him. And that he has completely forgotten me. I want his heart to ache half as bad as mine does sometimes. I can't fully enjoy my newfound freedom when I feel like he's so happy with what he's done. I want him to see the flaws in this girl and the things she is missing that I had. I'm hardly ever self-confident but I am confident in the fact that I am a really easy girl to get along with. I don't expect anything other than honestly. I don't care about what car you drive or how much money you make. I don't want to go out on elaborate dates. I like sitting on the couch and watching a movie, or driving nowhere with music blaring, or taking a walk in the woods. I don't want you to buy me things. Keith made me gifts for awhile and I really loved those things. I left everything he ever gave me when I moved out. It was never about the stuff.
I just want to move on. I want someone to shove a shunt between my brain and my heart so that my memories don't stand in my way anymore. I just want to forget I ever knew him...ever loved him. I just want to go back to thinking no one could ever love me. No one would ever want to be with me. It was so much easier not knowing what it felt like to be cared about by a boy. There was all this possibility and excitement for the future. Now I feel like I found the one and I lost him. I know that is stupid because he treated me like shit most of the time, but I still liked so many things about him.
I am a glutton for punishment!
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[27 Jul 2007|06:18pm] |
"This Photograph Is Proof (I Know You Know)"
So, we're talking forever
and you almost feel better
but better's no excuse for tonight
you see, it's never bad enough
to just leave or give up
but it's never good enough to feel right
Now I'm lying on the table
with everything you said
it will all catch up eventually
well, it caught up and honestly
the weight of my decisions
were impossible to hold
but they were never yours
they were never yours
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[27 Jul 2007|06:16pm] |
Taking Back Sunday
"Your Own Disaster"
Just think of this and me
as just a few of the many things
to lie around
to clutter up your shelves
And I wish you weren't worth the wait
because there's some thing's
I'd like to say to you...
And I don't think that
you know what
you've been missing
'Cause I don't think that
you know what
you've been missing
And I dare you to forget
the marks you left
across my neck
from those nights when we were both
found at our best
Now I could make this obvious,
and you, you could deny me
all in one breath
you could shrug me off
your shoulders...
And I don't think that you know
I said I don't think you know
I said I don't think you know what your missing
Hey, lush, have fun
It's the weekend
Hey, lush, have fun
Just forget me
it's that simple
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[27 Jul 2007|06:14pm] |
Taking Back Sunday
"Summer Stars"
Do you remember the time when you and i were fine
and we were better then then we'd ever been before
you came back to me after walking out my door
you would call me on the phone before you even got home
without me you said you were all alone
the cold wind that blows all the things i used to know
how could it play so fast never thought you'd be part of my past
would i trade it all in to get you out of my head?
without me by your side
you said you were all alone
give me one more chance
to prove myself to you
all the little things that i long to do
...(when you run away)
would you trade the course
...(you said that you'd be)
so that i could hold you
...(coming out my front porch)
would it all go away
...(just to see me)
and my heart is breaking
would you hear me baby
as the tears are longing
for what it used to be
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[27 Jul 2007|06:12pm] |
Taking Back Sunday
"The Ballad Of Sal Villanueva"
It's not that I don't trust you
well I just know what you've been up too
and well this dial tone is agreeing with everything I've had in mind.
and you've got your high as a kite tricks in the bag.
so as her eyes move past your shoulder
and your shades start moving in the same direction
don't worry I, well I won't say a thing.
and you can't blame a boy for
stickin' to what he knows...
I hope she takes her time
and I hope she keeps your eyes closed tight
I hope that when she leaves,
you still smell her on your sheets
cause I can, I can.
If I could get to sleep
then, I guess you could stop pretendin'.
cause if I didn't think you loved it,
well then I wouldn't play along
and you've got your high as a
kite tricks in the bag
you're down for sellin' me out
while I play dumb,
it's cool cause I let you,
thought I'd never catch you,
you'd say "we're only friends."
yeah, real good friends, I bet.
I bet.
forget your legs around my hips.
forget your hands pressed on my back.
forget the letters that I kept.
this is another I won't send.
forget your lips, your eyes, your thighs.
forget our one last kiss goodnight.
forget me stakin' out your house.
forget I've got you figured out.
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[27 Jul 2007|06:06pm] |
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The only thing that makes me feel better is finding song lyrics that fit my situation. It makes me feel like someone else has been where I am, felt the same, and survived. So I'm posting all the silly lyrics because it makes me feel better.
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[26 Jul 2007|11:25am] |
I found this private post that I wrote almost a year ago (July 4, 2006) to the day we broke up this year:
I never understood how you could love someone and yet walk away. I think I finally understand. I sit here crying so hard I can't see. I can't feel anything but how much I still care about him. And worry about him. And wonder if he will replace me or come to his senses. The thought of him with someone else stops my heart. The idea of myself finding someone new is unheard of. Love will always be him. Sex will always be him. The beach will always be him. Here there and everywhere will always be him. I keep thinking I just want to go back on what I've said. He doesn't want this to end. I don't want this to end. But he refuses to change. He just wants me to deal with it. I can't deal with it. I'm not happy as things are. But I still love him with every fiber of my being. Love in the romantic way but mostly in the most personal and real way you could ever love a person. I'd take a bullet for him; I'd do anything for him. I so badly wish this could turn out like a movie. Where I leave and he misses me and sees that I am more important than this stuff. That he chooses me finally over this stuff. That he doesn't just go find someone else...someone who will deal with it but never love him as much as I do. I want him to see how much I love him and that I don't want to hurt him. I'll miss living with him, sleeping with him, waking up next to him. I know I did things wrong. I withdrew and acted other than I felt trying to get a message across. Inside I want to hug him all the time...feel that body I know so well. I want to hold him and never let go and let him know he has found someone who really loves him. I just went tubbing with him yesterday and it was so fun, but I always know there is something else that will ruin things in the end.
If you love something let it go and if it comes back that's how you know that it's real.
It's like deja vou all over again. I remember the 4th last year. I had gone over to his parents house to ride with him. He was late and wound up just leaving. His mom asked me how things were and I broke down. I told her about him drinking a lot and smoking weed and how I was so unhappy. She said she would talk to him and I knew that would make him leave me. So I went to my mom's for a cookout and got the call from him that said we were over. I cried all day...I moved out...I felt hopeless. I loved him so much but he would never stop the things that hurt me. He wound up calling all the time and wanting to get back together and we did in about a week or so.
This time is different. We broke up on July 6th because he found another girl. We had been drifting apart...just getting mad at each other and distancing ourselves. I said things in plain english and he never listened so I tried to say things in the way I acted. I became cold and distant and he went and found someone else. It's been almost a month and we barley talk. He thinks he loves this new girl and I know it's just the excitement of something new. It's someone to sleep with; someone to give him attention.
I have good days and bad. I know in a lot of ways this was the best thing for me. I have freedom again...to talk to people, to not sit home with him all night while he gets plastered. I have everything I longed for except I am unhappy. I didn't want to lose him. I needed to not live with him. I wasn't ready for the rest of my life to start so young. I wanted to be in a committed relationship with him, living with him was very hard.
I am so mad at myself for still loving him so much after everything that has happened. He replaced me...he doesn't love me anymore. Why am I hanging on? I still cry somedays. I think about him all the time. I wish it had ended any other way than him having someone else. I wonder if he will ever come to his senses and see that he had a great relationship. He wanted a forever relationship and I think we had that. He put me through so much shit and I still stayed with him.
I was there for him when he had no car, no job, no money, and lived with him parents. I drove him everywhere for a year. I attended AA with him, and took him to his court-ordered meetings every week. I drove him to clients so that he could get his business started. I bought him his first car when he could drive again so that he could work. I loaned him money when he needed it. I stayed with him when he got drunk and stupid. I was there when his grandfather died, when his mother's horse died. I took him to the hospital when he cut his hand open trimming a horse. I was there when his father cut him down with words and he felt worthless and was crying in a heap on the floor. I lived with him and contributed equally. I worked my ass off to afford us living on our own. I worked off the apartment's rent along side him. I never asked him to buy me things. I believed in paying my fair share on dates. I loved him. I loved him whether he had a beer gut or not. I loved him inside and out and would have done anything for him.
I pushed my friends away and never talked to people in class so that he wouldn't be jealous. I never flirted or even thought about anyone else. I knew he had trust issues because of what other girls had done to him in the past, so I just stayed away from people so he would have nothing to worry about. I was 200% into him and only him. But he always thought I was cheating. I was the most trustworthy 21 year old girl he could ever have met. I never partied. I had no friends. I went to school for class and that was it. I never drank and lost my reason. I was reliable and required a lot of myself. I spent any excess time with my horses or at work. I never ditched him to spend time with other people. I had such innocent fun...he should have been able to trust me. I don't know what he expects to find in someone else.
I was willing to give him the rest of my life. I wanted to marry him someday and give him the child he wanted. I didn't feel like he was ready yet. I told him someday...maybe...and recently it started to be NO. He couldn't change the drinking habits...he was so immature. I just wanted to see some committment somewhere in his life. Committ to stopping smoking. Committ to working a regular week and building a client list. Committ to a part-time job to pay off your new car. He wasn't ready for what he wanted so I wasn't ready to take the plunge. He hated me for that. I knew we would fail if we got married soon. We were not ready, but I would have stayed in a monogomous committed relationship until we were ready. He wasn't ready for a kid. He was still a kid himself. Part of me loved that about him, but sometimes I just wished he would grow up a few hours in the day.
I just don't know how he could just flip a switch and not love me anymore. Through all the bad, all I can think about it all we've been through. It's been 2 and a half years. We started out so uniquely and went through so much. We were all each other had for so long. I thought all the trials would just make us stronger. He swore that we could make it through anything but someone cheating. I never cheated...so what's his excuse?
He met this girl one night in Ocean City, got her number, and came back home to me. For a week or better he talked to and texted her daily...mostly when I was working. I got suspicious and started looking into it. I knew in my heart what was going on, so I got angry and distant. One night he called me drunk and told me just not to bother coming home for the night. The next morning I called him to ask what the hell he was doing behind my back. I asked if it was a girl or weed. He acted like he had no clue what I was talking about. So I told him what I knew and he admitted to meeting a girl in OC. He was "just talking" though but wanted to break up. I moved all my stuff out and the cat. We talked over the phone the next few days and he basically told me he would date the both of us. We could be friends with benefits. But he wasn't going to stop talking to this girl. Stupidly I thought a day out with me could change his mind.
I took us to Six Flags. I came to pick him up and he was hungover. He told me how much girls were checking him out now. He got into the car and immediatley starting getting messages from the new girl. Pictures of her body and stupid shit. He would laugh and then not tell me what he was laughing about. He texted her all day long with me. I was crushed. I dropped him off at the apartment and he invited me in to watch TV for a bit. Once again, I thought having me there would make him want things back to how they were. He kept on texting her as we were watching TV. Then he wanted to be rubbed like he always wanted then he wanted more. I was hesitant and kept saying no. Eventually I gave in. I wanted to be close to him again. To hold him and love him and lay with him. I thought he would feel how much I still loved him and how comfortable we were together. But no when all was said and done he said he just wanted to have our last time be a good one. I could have slapped him.
He's been cold ever since. I went back to get a few things one day and found the new girl's shoes outside. Inside her underwear was next to the bed and her overnight bag was on the floor. He completely replaced me. While I know it's not really love but just a physical way to fill a void...I am still so crushed. I could not even think about doing that, let alone in the same apartment and bed that I shared with someone else for over 2 years. I don't understand it. He told me her greatest point is that she's religious...like HELL she is! I hope she breaks his heart.
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